Falling Down...

Well for those of you who dont know my house has mice. Well today my landloard came over and gave me some of the snappy traps that kill the mice. Now before i continue keep in mind i have never used a mouse trap before. I called for back up on how to use it and finally had to google it. So i n setting it up i almost broke my fingers like 50 times but YAY they are set up!!! now hopefully my dogs dont go after them i tryed to place them in strategic places. but you know me i aint that smart, even though i did conquor the mouse trap!

well i am here alive and working-- nothing else to say but i said i would blog it up... here you go

Lacuna Coil

I lay, looking at my hands
I search in these lines
I've not the answer
I'm crying and I don't know
watching the sky
I search an answer
I'm free, free to be
I'm not another liar
I just want to be myself... myself

And now the beat inside me
is a sort of a cold breeze and I've
never any feeling inside
ruining me...
bring my body
carry it into another world
I know I live... but like a stone I'm falling down

I pray, looking into the sky
I can feel this rain
right now it's falling on me
fly, I just want to fly
life is all mine
some days I cry alone,
but I know I'm not the only one
I'm here, another day is gone
I don't want to die...?
Please be there when I'll arrive, don't cry... please

And now the beat inside me
is a sort of a cold breeze and I've
never any feeling inside
ruining me...
bring my body
carry it into another world
I know I live... but like a stone I'm falling down

Sleep seems elusive lately. Its starting to make me a little batty. I cant fall asleep and when that sweet sweet relaxation finally does come you know what happens? I'll tell you what. Someone or something wakes me up. Either a phone call from someone i dont know selling something i dont need or my dogies letting me know its time to wake up because they want to play. Simple little things that used to exceite me now are just dull and listless just like me.

Now when it isnt something external that jolts me from heaven then its something internal. Lately whenever i do actually sleep i have the most disturbing dreams. Not scary not frantic but emotional touching and dismal. When i dream i wake up with one of four emotions, either an extreme sence of dred. A sence of desperateness that cant be quenched. completly lost or its worse i feel completly and utterly out of control. that wouldnt be to bad but these crazy emotions stick with me ALL day. So nomatter what i do i cant shake these feelings. ALL day i spend running from the fucked up emotion in my dream,. I dont dream like i think people should. These dreams seem so real to me. Even after i wake. Maybe its because i havent been sleeping to much or maybe its real.

You know how when you become exhausted you cant tell if your really feeling what you think you are feeling or if its just that your brain desperatly needs to shut down for a few hours. Thats how i have been for the past few days. I hate it and how it effects me. I get moody and bitchy i do stupid things and i am just generally a shitty person to be around. And if that isnt bad enough i cant get a break from myself.

To me insomnia is kind of like that really annoying person that you know. The one that always seems to find their way into whatever social event is going on that particular day and they keep showing up.. Then you just want them to go away but they wont. You try so hard to find releif from that person but you cant. Well with my insomnia my own mind becomes that really annoying person and as each day without the right ammount of sleep passes i become more and more annoyed with the way i think and eventually i just pray for that one good labotomy.

I dont know if this is even making anysence i think i am just venting about not being able to sleep. I doubt if anyone will even read this which is fine by me. I feel like i am going crazy and i cant stop myself. I really hope it doesnt spiral out of controll. I need a job perhaps that will settle my mind and help my sleep schedualing problems. If i am to busy to think then my thoughts wont bother me right? well i hope that thats how it is. I really do. I dont know how i would be able to work without sleep. Although i did it two summers ago, i feel so much older then that now. ACK this has turned into a rambling pile of junk. MAYBE i should just delete it. But ive been typing sooo fast my fingers hurt well not my fingers but my wristy forarms... omg i am stopping or this could go on forever... anyone who made it this far in this digression of idiotic crap i applaud you...

You are worth exactly $1,787,622. You can see a breakdown of how much money each category adds to your value along the left under "My statistics". An email with your results has been sent to


Gender: Female $135,000
Age: 21 $30,000
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian $130,000
Height: 5'4 $10,000
Weight: 150 lbs. ($5,000)
Body Type: Average $0
Hair Color: Red $10,000
Eye Color: Brown $1,000
Handed: Right $5,000
Body Hair: A Little Hairy $15,000
Shoe Size: 7 $5,000
Bald: No $0
20/20 Eyesight: No $0
Bra Size: NA $0
Cavities: 1-2 $1,000
Athletic Ability: Poor $0
Attractiveness: NA $125,000
IQ: 166 $274,561
SAT Score: NA $0
HS GPA: 3.1 $23,250
Education: Vocational Training $4,000
Bilingual: No $0
Income: NA $0
Profession: Student $0
Alcohol: Occasionally $0
Smoker: Yes ($50,000)
Pot: No $10,000
Drugs: No $10,000
Exercise: Often $25,000
Divorced: No $0
Comitted Felony: No $15,000
Watch Television: Occasionally $5,000
Sexuality: NA $25,000
Style: Above Average $55,000
Artistic: Average $30,000
Sense of Humor: Above Average $45,000
Addictive Personality: Yes ($15,000)
Give to Charity: No $0
Adult Content: Occasionally $0
Gamble: Occasionally $0
Multiplier x2
Total: $1,787,622

I found a card from you to me.
Unknowingly I opened it.
As I read the love from you to me poured off the card and into my heart.

I could see you looking in the store.
Spotting this gift.
You pick it up and read as you see that it says everything you need to say.

Writing your personal note, from you to me you sign your name.
You seal it in an envelope with my name and stuff it into your bag.
Travle for days and forget all about it.

When you get home.
Home with me you dont care about the card.
You set it on the dresser and walk away.

Then you leave, back to the foreign land from whence you came.
Still forgetfull.
And today of all days I find the card.

My name followed by a heart in your handwriting.
Something from you to me.
Never in my life had i been so happy to get a three dolor greeting card.

It said everything I needed to hear and everything you needed to say.
By the way...
I am doing great.

I love you.
Thank you.
And from me to you, the prize wasnt me, its you.

Standing atop the world of Me, I look downward and see the neverending landscape. A beautifull, dangerious, and exceiting land. Not sure where to go I look first at where I stand. The top of an unforgiving mountain. The willows seem to weep without any controll or care. The ground is cold and dry, no life to be found, grass all but a faded memory in the current emotive season. I look to the sky as a hawlk screaches. I see not a hawlk but the fea that has watched me since time was nothing and there was only the moon. Smiling the smile of a gloried warrior she gestures a follow. In the world of Me my wings show true as I make the accent to join my beloved fae.

No words are spoken. No physical greeting given. Just a glance of understanding exchanged between two lifelong companions as we make our way down the mountain side. Looking at the tatered wings my guide bears I remember how they got that way. I remember all the wars Me has seen. The incredulous manner inwhich i stare seems to catch her attention. She looks at me as if to say "this journey is not about that". Slowly we decend upon the world called Me. A wolf howls at the sight of us and begins to follow untill something more foreign catches his attention.

We decend upon the purple abyss of Lake Emotion. Not the colour of purple I remembered. This once sacred water now seems murkey and and disillusioned. We place our bare feet on the ice cold sand of Emotions shore. As I gaze at the murkey water, I see the self destruction that turned the once inviting and joyous water into this cold fathomage. Beneath the srface I see the predatores that lurk. Not truley a part of Me. Not native to this land but beasts of prey left in Lake Emotion by others. I see Insecurity, followed by Doubt. I see Fear dart across the water. A small school of Hope is devoured by Shame.

A single tear falls from my Fae I watch as it hits the cold and daunting water. And at this something curious happens. As her single sign of sadness hits Emotions sludge it changes. Shame is lifted and sent back to the one who left it here. Schools of hope begin to appear throughout the lifting darkness of the water. Bigger then the Fear or Doubt. Hope spawns Love and Happiness. And as these newly added elements to Emotion begin to maneuver their way through the water, those foreign ones begin to flee. The hide In the depth of emotion that is not seen. Afraid to show their scales as the newer elements thrive. The sand on Emotions shore Begins to warm beneith my feet. I look out at the lake I see the clarity return. The beautiful purple of Emotion is restored.

I look the Fae and see that she is gone. Gift given in this much needed time. I sit in the sand and let the sun hit my face. Watching Love and Happiness bring forth newer and better schools to fight back those wretched Fears, Doubts and Insecurities.

Home alone with darkness and cold as my cool and calculated allies, I feel a sudden clostrophobia. The walls seem to be inching their way inward as i desperatly attempt to look outward. Perhaps this is the result of unreleased stress. Stress that has festered into a raging dragon. Wretching and strugling the dragon desperatly wants to unleash its melignant haterid upon my already weakened frame.

My emotional welfare turns to warfare. The dragon fights to slay the light knight. yet amidst the chaos and turmoil I detach. Watching the events going on inside my mind as if to satiricaly comment on my own existance. The knight dashes forward to slay the dragon and I laugh. Thinking what anyone would if the situation arose. What a noble fool, to be crushed by an untamed beast in the name of better days. Yet in the midst of my pesimistic observation the dragon makes a simple mistake and stumbles.

As the strugle continues I grow weary of a battle that seems to never cease. I take a moment in the minds battlefield to reflect on recent celebrations and disasters. Not fully aware that the walls creep ever so close. When you are at the top with nowhere to go what do you do? As danger looms in the background do you leap and hope for the best? Do you hold your ground and fight till the last blood gurgling breath is taken? Sadly only the person at the top knows that, and they are to busy to heed my call.

Closer and closer my attention is turned to the walls that once protected and now threaten. What are they doing really. They are just walls. No hidden agenda to be found. No motive to fuel their fire. Amidst the battle crys however, they still creep, daunting an already fragile core. As the dragon puffs out his chest and the knight displays his sword the walls threateningly skulk.

A stale mate has occoured in the battlefield called conscienceness. Alone I stand atop the mountain of emotion. Awaiting the encroaching battle. Deliberating the choice to make. Jump or fight. Sink or swim. All the while mindfull of the ever present walls.

Well luckily no hangover overwhelmed me this day however something else did. The lovley Psychoticbabe_1 lost her grandfather today. It is not a good day in Cyberland today. There is never anything you can do for someone who looses a loved one. No matter how much you want to comfort them there is no solice to be found in your words. The only closure they can get is from theirself. Always wanting to tell them that everything is going to be ok and they have nothing to worry anout. Empty words striking an empty heart in the midst of mourning. -Sigh- Not my loss yet I feel deeply saddened by her state. Only to immagine how she feels.

Its odd how the death of someone near to you or even distant brings to light your own mortality and the mortality of those around you. It makes you question the small length of time you have and the ones you love have. Never quite sure but always wondering who will be next what loss will I endure.

Maybe I just empathize a bit to much. I seem to take a bit of the emotion seeping from people and then it consumes me and then i am in the state that they cant seem to pull themselves out of. A cursed wretched gift to know the true feelings of others. No matter how meak or strong, good or bad.

Well now I must go write my husband in the big sandbox to let him know just how much he is loved. Mortality and life are not issues I wanted to be dealing with this afternoon. I would much rather have a hangover!

Here is sit at the brink of chaos A.K.A Margatita Night. Not yet ritual. Not yet flamboyent intrigue into the unknown. Just a glass of frozen relaxation, a computer and a friend.

The first glass gone and infinate wisdom gained. Now I have the ability to see what society all but hides. The destruction. Haterid fueled by alcoholic dreams. lies and distrust seep over the once lucid aspect of my being. I think its time for another glass....

Ahhh much better more relaxing waves sweep away the truth about tourtured lives and demented games. Apathy is the greatest gift my friend Jose Cuervo has ever bestowed upon me. Just the the simple lines of sobered reality and drunken disillusionment exhist between Jose and I.

Two drinks in and this is becoming more dificult. ABut what light through yander window breaks tis the east and margaritaville is the sun....

next post... The somber life of a hangover... If I can get through it. If the porcelean gods do not make me their slave.

Well I woke up to the lovely sound of my puppies playing. I havent been sleeping well, so waking up to dogs growling and barking just isnt something you look foreward to on two hours of sleep. Yay for insomnia. I love it. Makes me happy when i start to halucinate. LOL So i guess i am just supposed to get used to the idea of not sleeping well. Hmmmm... Doesnt sit well with me.

Perhaps insomnia is something that eventually just goes away on its own. Like a zit. A big painfull and nasty zit that taunts your face and makes you want to scream,,, Well maybe not...

Blah

Well in the days of computers, MP3 players and just about everything electronic you can immagine. There spawns a new type of adict. This one does not pay for their habbit on a daily basis from some thug on a street corner in the middle of night. Rather in a regular monthly billing cycle. There is not a withdrawl period for this addiction unless heaven forbid, the phone lines or cable goes out. This is the ultimate in inteligent adiction. This is a Cyber Junkie.



You can usually spot them out at work, school or even at your locat eatery and theatre. The ones who are able to fix the problem with the Xerox machine that Xerox said was unfixable. The ones who can show you how to remotly acess the network via a SSL connection from your home portal. The ones at the movies who always seem to know how its going to end even though you are seeing it on the sneak preview night. Hours are spent lost to an unnamed drug. The world wide web has shifted for these select few and has changed into the driving force that motivates the sleepless nights and endless arguments about nothing at all.



I am your all but normal Cyber Junkie. Truley lost to a world of anonymity and brutal honesty. I Choose not to narrow my sights on one avenue of this ever more popular past time. I don't do just one thing. Not just a chatter, a poster, a gamer or a role player. No I have chosen for myself the most dificult of all cyber adictions. The universalist. I post. I chat. I blog. I game. I Role play. Ocasionally I take a quest to push my own envelope of disgust. Even as I take the time to give you a glimpse of the true world of the Cyber Junkie I see how truley adicted I am.



It is now 2:45 in the morning. I thank the unknown internet gods for allowing my game servers to be shutdown for 90 minutes. I can now catch up on all of the things I had missed in the four hours I was in Flaris questing to solve the Mystery of the Clown. Now I can check my e-mail. Now I can check the various forums I belong to. I cant get lost. I have to stay focused I have 90 minutes to skim through the forums read the e-mail write the blog check e-bay for the latest and greatest of new and improved technology. Oh wait what was the name of that song i wanted.... Ah the pull is overwhelming.. The drive to do it all and be the ultimate in on-line specialists. I want to be the one that the gamers go to when the servers are full for that nifty little code to enter to bypass the server capacity. I want to be the one that the posters go to when they cant figure out how to host a picture for their latest and greatest post. The world wide web guru.



So what are the benifits of being a Cyber Junkie. Well... You learn how to have an opinion on something you know nothing about. We have Google to thank for that. You can usually pass a typing test if you consider the acronyms and abrievations of on-line chatter apropriate. Ah, the number one benifit of a true cyber adiction is Insomnia. No need to sleep when you can just google the best and cheapest energy supliment to get at your local Kroger. Cyber Junkies have an unusual relationship with what "lamers" would call a perfectly normal bodily process, sleep. The true Cyber Junkie will fight the unfortionate inevitability of the dream world for hours trying to get that last level in their game. Or trying to be the top poster on their Forum. Needless to say each and every Cyber Junkie eventually looses this moral debate of whether or not to sleep. Sleep is the king and always will be.



So as you sit there with the glare of your monitor staring back at you.Taunting as it truley knows your adiction level. Keep in mind that there are worse things you could devote countless nonproductive hours to. Try not to forget what the sun feels and even looks like. The paler your skin the better able the rest of the world is able to spot you as one of us. Oh and one more thing.... never mind, times up. Flaris awaits...